I admit it: I talk to my golf ball. But I’m not the only one; lots of the guys I play with talk to their golf balls. Some of them even to talk to other players’ golf balls.
I’m a reasonably quiet golfer, but I sometimes yell at a drive or whisper to a chip shot. When Marilyn plays with me, she’ll say something like, “Who are you talking to? The ball can’t hear you.” (She says the same thing when I yell at the referees in the Packers games on TV.)
But I don’t think that’s right. Talking to your golf ball is one of the most important nuances of the game. You have to talk to the ball, because if you never do it, it will never listen to you. But if you always talk to it, it will occasionally listen.
Sometimes when you yell, “Come back!” at a ball which is slicing out of bounds, it’ll hit a tree and come back! Sometimes when you whisper “Get legs, get there,” to a putt, it’ll roll up and leak into the cup.
When I talk to my ball, I do it respectfully. I never call it bad names or use profanity. And I only do it when it’s appropriate. There’s no point in talking to the ball when it’s doing what it’s supposed to do, like heading down the middle of the fairway. And a profanity-laced tirade directed at the ball will only result in tragedy. I think the ball appreciates my limiting my exhortations to positive encouragement when it really matters.
I know some guys who occasionally use reverse psychology on their golf balls. I guess they think it’s necessary now and then when the golf ball isn’t responding to regular instructions. “Yeah, that’s right. Slice! Get out of here! Go find some water while you’re over there!” I’m not sure the reverse psychology technique works, though; golf balls aren’t that smart. They don’t understand sarcasm.
You can play with almost anybody and hear them talking to the ball on almost every shot. I’m not always sure it helps, but it makes them feel better, and that’s what golf is all about, isn’t it — feeling good?
In case you’re not a golfer, I’ll try to explain some of the stuff guys say to their golf balls. I confess I haven’t studied the habits of women golfers very much, so I don’t know if they talk to their golf balls, too, but I know guys do.
Here are a few of my favorites:
- “Get legs, get there.” You hit a chip shot or a putt too lightly, and you want it to roll faster to get to the hole.
- “Hit something.” You hit a chip or putt that’s going too fast and needs to slow down.
- “Get up.” You’re trying to get over a tree or you think the ball might not carry as far as you want it to.
- “Get down.” You hit the ball too hard ball, and it’s sailing beyond the green.
- “Bite.” You hit the ball farther than you intended, and you want it to stop fast.
- “Kick right (left).” You hit a shot off target, but with a good bounce it could end up OK.
- “Get through it.” You hit the ball through some sparse trees, and you hope to not connect with any wood. One of my friends believes in a “60 percent rule” (a tree is 60 percent air), so he’ll yell, “Come on, ball, 60 percent!” I have another friend who’ll say, “Come on little ball; if you don’t get through there, I’m going to have to hit you again!”
- “Get outta there.” You hit the ball where you shouldn’t, and you hope for a “member’s bounce” to keep you out of trouble.
- “Stay dry.” You hit the ball dangerously close to a water hazard.
- “Come on down.” You hit a long, downhill putt pretty softly, and it takes a long time to get to the hole, or you’re begging the ball to break right or left.
- “One time.” The putt looks good, like it will surely go in the hole.
- “Go, go, go, sit, sit sit.” You think it’s going to be short, but it turns out to be long.
- “You stupid ball, what did you do that for?” Sort of an all-purpose exhortation.
There are plenty more, but some of them I can’t print here. After all, it is a “gentleman’s game,” you know, and I’m a gentleman.
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