Terrence Talley brought a story of shame March 4 to the Bonduel schools to children and adults alike, encouraging them to address it rather than keep it bottled inside.
During the day, he visited the three schools with different messages, ranging from talking about superheroes with the elementary school students to telling high schoolers that nobody has a perfect life.
About 70 adults came for the evening presentation in the commons at Bonduel High School. Talley noted at that event that he’s been making inspirational presentations in schools and other places for more than 15 years, and just like everyone else in the crowd, he’s “jacked up” with issues of his own.
“A lot of students, they think that their parents are going to be mad at them,” Talley said. “I don’t think so. I think if you told them what was going on and how you felt, they might really want to do something about it.”
Talley talked about one school he visited, and a girl came up to him and told him that she really needed to hear that someone cared. The girl had been cutting herself, with 15-20 cuts on each limb, to cope with the feeling that she did not matter to the world.
“In those moments, you can’t give up,” Talley said. “I have issues. I have problems, but do you know what the issue is? You’re jacked up, too.”
Talley recalled when his mother sent him to stay with his grandmother for a while after divorcing his father, keeping his older brothers at home. After a few months, Talley grew frustrated and wanted to return to his mother. That’s when his grandmother told him that his mother “gave” him to her.
“My mom was having such a hard time taking care of three boys by herself, and she couldn’t do it no more,” Talley said. “She had to send one of those boys away, and that boy was me. I remember I was 3 or 4 years old, and I still remember asking myself, ‘Why did my mom choose me? Why did I have to be sent away?’”
His mother eventually brought him home, but the shame remained dormant until Talley reached adulthood.
“I didn’t realize how much that jacked me up until a few years ago,” Talley said.
He encouraged the audience to speak up when they’re going through something traumatic or unpleasant.
“Shame says that I’m not good enough for dot-dot-dot,” he said. “Unfortunately, there’s a lot of shame in this room, because shame thrives in secrecy, and it demands your loyalty. For some of us, we have made a home in our shame.”
Talley noted that many people feel like they’ve dealt with their trauma when they become adults, but oftentimes, their shame and hurt gets passed on to their children.
“You’re only giving them what you have,” Talley said. “When it gets passed down to your students, that’s when we see students deal with depression. That’s when we see students that don’t like themselves. That’s when we see students get angry. Why? Because we’re angry.”
He added that anger doesn’t make a person bad. It just means they’re hurting.
That’s why it’s important for people to realize there are folks out there who recognize them, who know they are good enough, Talley said.
“There are some students in here that I talked to, and I was like, ‘Man, I am so sorry you went through that, but I am so so proud of you,’” he said.
Talley’s presentation was for the whole community, and he noted that only a few of the almost 1,500 Bonduel residents were there. He said it shows that those parents want to care for their children and give them the best.
“You didn’t have to be here, but you are,” Talley said. “Thank you. You’re doing a good job.”
lpulaski@newmedia-wi.com
Hugs and affection were available all around at Bonduel High School as participants sought out random people to embrace March 4 as part of Terrence Talley’s inspirational talk on shame and how to overcome it. (Lee Pulaski | NEW Media)
