The New Donald Trump Campaign Songbook

I think it’s safe to say this has not been a good week for Donald Trump.

The week started with two Supreme Court decisions that went against him and ended with a rally in Oklahoma with a turnout that – compared to what his campaign promised – was frankly embarrassing.

In between that were double-digit losses in the polls to Joe Biden and, even worse, a statement from the family of Tom Petty that they did not want his music used at Trump rallies.

The Trump campaign played Petty’s 1989 hit “Won’t Back Down” at Trump’s Tulsa, Oklahoma, rally Saturday.

“Trump was in no way authorized to use this song to further a campaign that leaves too many Americans and common sense behind,” the family said in a tweet Saturday.

“Both the late Tom Petty and his family firmly stand against racism and discrimination of any kind. Tom Petty would never want a song of his used for a campaign of hate. He liked to bring people together,” according to the tweet.

It looks like Trump will have to come up with some new campaign music. So I thought I would offer some suggestions. I’ve chosen a few potential campaign songs, taking the liberty of rewriting the lyrics so they’d be a little more appropriate to the Trump campaign.

Let’s start with a song that I think should reframe the way we think about Saturday’s rally. Or at least the way the Trump campaign would prefer to think about it. For that, I thought this old, hallucinogenic Beatles song would be perfect.

(Sung to the tune of “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”)

Picture yourself in a Tulsa arena

Where hundreds of thousands long to see you

So many more, maybe even a million

Are waiting outside for you too

Every seat’s filled with an adoring fan

In rows that rise to the skies

Media claims it’s a much smaller crowd

But they’re lies

Losing it big-time in Tulsa

Losing it big-time in Tulsa

Losing it big-time in Tulsa

Ahh

Look for a mask to protect against COVID

But none of your fans want to wear that disguise

They love you so much, it makes you quite humble

To watch them all risking their lives

They cheer when you say if we didn’t test

COVID would just go away

Merely sit back with your head in the clouds

And it’s gone

Losing it big-time in Tulsa

Losing it big-time in Tulsa

Losing it big-time in Tulsa

Ahh

Picture them cheering and getting all amped

Because you walked down a wet ramp

Throw in that story of how you drank water

With no help except your two hands

Losing it big-time in Tulsa

Losing it big-time in Tulsa

Losing it big-time in Tulsa

Ahh

In news video, Trump returned from the rally looking worn-out, deflated and dejected. If you missed the video, don’t worry. You’ll probably see it in a Biden campaign ad.

So I figured, what better song to lift his spirits than this old Judy Garland favorite from “The Wizard of Oz”?

(Sung to the tune of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.”)

Someday after November

When I win

This will be a new country

Different than it’s ever been

Someday after November

When I’m King

You can forget about Congress

‘Cause it won’t mean a thing

All those ballots mailed in

Will get thrown into the garbage bin

If they’re against me

My military will step in

To make sure I’m sworn in again

You can believe me

Someday after November

No more press

And no enemies ‘cause

They’ll be under arrest

If other countries can suppress the vote

Beyond November

Why, oh why can’t I?

Of course, Trump really has no reason to be depressed, given the arrows available in his quiver. Including his own personal attorney pretending to be attorney general, who can quash investigations into Trump allies and investigate Trump enemies.

So here’s a nice, spiritually uplifting song from Disney’s Pinocchio.

(Sung to the tune of “When You Wish Upon a Star”)

When you have an AG Barr

It makes a difference who you are

And if you are the president

Your dreams come true

Investigations go away

Attack a crowd with pepper spray

Hide your taxes far away

‘Cause Barr lets you

No one cares what Bolton saw

Because you are above the law

When you have an AG Barr

The law is screwed

And finally, one more song, not so much for the Trump campaign but for the Republicans who support him. So here’s a song dedicated to what used to be the party of Lincoln, Reagan and conservative principles.

(Sung to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel’s “Mrs. Robinson”)

And here’s to you, Mr. President,

We all love you more than you will know

Whoa, whoa, whoa

But you know, Mr. President,

There are some things we wish you wouldn’t say

Hey, hey, hey

Hey, hey, hey

We’d like to talk a little bit about your Twitter posts

None of which of course we’ve ever read

They ask for our reaction but our response is planned

You can’t read a Tweet if your head is in the sand

And here’s to you, Mr. President

We’re all loyal to you through and through

Woo, woo, woo

We’ll look away, Mr. President

At anything you want to do or say

Hey, hey, hey

Hey, hey, hey

Clearing out the streets so you could hold a photo-op

Where you held the Bible upside down

We said we didn’t see it, so we wouldn’t know,

But how much lower do we have to go?

Koo-koo-ka-choo, Mr. President,

We’re happy to have sold our souls to you

Woo, woo, woo

But you know, Mr. President,

Those poll numbers look a little low

Whoa, whoa, whoa

Whoa, whoa, whoa

Maybe you could say a little something about race

You don’t have to mean it, anyway

But it wouldn’t hurt to show the black folks that you care

‘Cause we’re going to need them on Election Day.

Where have you gone, President Gipper?

A party turns its lonely eyes to you

Woo, woo, woo

What’s that you say, Mr. President?

The Gipper’s left his legacy to you

Boo-hoo-hoo

Boo-hoo-hoo.

Tim Ryan is a Leader reporter and intermittent columnist who can be reached at www.newmedia-wi.com

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