The New Donald Trump Campaign Songbook
I think it’s safe to say this has not been a good week for Donald Trump.
The week started with two Supreme Court decisions that went against him and ended with a rally in Oklahoma with a turnout that – compared to what his campaign promised – was frankly embarrassing.
In between that were double-digit losses in the polls to Joe Biden and, even worse, a statement from the family of Tom Petty that they did not want his music used at Trump rallies.
The Trump campaign played Petty’s 1989 hit “Won’t Back Down” at Trump’s Tulsa, Oklahoma, rally Saturday.
“Trump was in no way authorized to use this song to further a campaign that leaves too many Americans and common sense behind,” the family said in a tweet Saturday.
“Both the late Tom Petty and his family firmly stand against racism and discrimination of any kind. Tom Petty would never want a song of his used for a campaign of hate. He liked to bring people together,” according to the tweet.
It looks like Trump will have to come up with some new campaign music. So I thought I would offer some suggestions. I’ve chosen a few potential campaign songs, taking the liberty of rewriting the lyrics so they’d be a little more appropriate to the Trump campaign.
Let’s start with a song that I think should reframe the way we think about Saturday’s rally. Or at least the way the Trump campaign would prefer to think about it. For that, I thought this old, hallucinogenic Beatles song would be perfect.
(Sung to the tune of “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”)
Picture yourself in a Tulsa arena
Where hundreds of thousands long to see you
So many more, maybe even a million
Are waiting outside for you too
Every seat’s filled with an adoring fan
In rows that rise to the skies
Media claims it’s a much smaller crowd
But they’re lies
Losing it big-time in Tulsa
Losing it big-time in Tulsa
Losing it big-time in Tulsa
Ahh
Look for a mask to protect against COVID
But none of your fans want to wear that disguise
They love you so much, it makes you quite humble
To watch them all risking their lives
They cheer when you say if we didn’t test
COVID would just go away
Merely sit back with your head in the clouds
And it’s gone
Losing it big-time in Tulsa
Losing it big-time in Tulsa
Losing it big-time in Tulsa
Ahh
Picture them cheering and getting all amped
Because you walked down a wet ramp
Throw in that story of how you drank water
With no help except your two hands
Losing it big-time in Tulsa
Losing it big-time in Tulsa
Losing it big-time in Tulsa
Ahh
In news video, Trump returned from the rally looking worn-out, deflated and dejected. If you missed the video, don’t worry. You’ll probably see it in a Biden campaign ad.
So I figured, what better song to lift his spirits than this old Judy Garland favorite from “The Wizard of Oz”?
(Sung to the tune of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.”)
Someday after November
When I win
This will be a new country
Different than it’s ever been
Someday after November
When I’m King
You can forget about Congress
‘Cause it won’t mean a thing
All those ballots mailed in
Will get thrown into the garbage bin
If they’re against me
My military will step in
To make sure I’m sworn in again
You can believe me
Someday after November
No more press
And no enemies ‘cause
They’ll be under arrest
If other countries can suppress the vote
Beyond November
Why, oh why can’t I?
Of course, Trump really has no reason to be depressed, given the arrows available in his quiver. Including his own personal attorney pretending to be attorney general, who can quash investigations into Trump allies and investigate Trump enemies.
So here’s a nice, spiritually uplifting song from Disney’s Pinocchio.
(Sung to the tune of “When You Wish Upon a Star”)
When you have an AG Barr
It makes a difference who you are
And if you are the president
Your dreams come true
Investigations go away
Attack a crowd with pepper spray
Hide your taxes far away
‘Cause Barr lets you
No one cares what Bolton saw
Because you are above the law
When you have an AG Barr
The law is screwed
And finally, one more song, not so much for the Trump campaign but for the Republicans who support him. So here’s a song dedicated to what used to be the party of Lincoln, Reagan and conservative principles.
(Sung to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel’s “Mrs. Robinson”)
And here’s to you, Mr. President,
We all love you more than you will know
Whoa, whoa, whoa
But you know, Mr. President,
There are some things we wish you wouldn’t say
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
We’d like to talk a little bit about your Twitter posts
None of which of course we’ve ever read
They ask for our reaction but our response is planned
You can’t read a Tweet if your head is in the sand
And here’s to you, Mr. President
We’re all loyal to you through and through
Woo, woo, woo
We’ll look away, Mr. President
At anything you want to do or say
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Clearing out the streets so you could hold a photo-op
Where you held the Bible upside down
We said we didn’t see it, so we wouldn’t know,
But how much lower do we have to go?
Koo-koo-ka-choo, Mr. President,
We’re happy to have sold our souls to you
Woo, woo, woo
But you know, Mr. President,
Those poll numbers look a little low
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Maybe you could say a little something about race
You don’t have to mean it, anyway
But it wouldn’t hurt to show the black folks that you care
‘Cause we’re going to need them on Election Day.
Where have you gone, President Gipper?
A party turns its lonely eyes to you
Woo, woo, woo
What’s that you say, Mr. President?
The Gipper’s left his legacy to you
Boo-hoo-hoo
Boo-hoo-hoo.
Tim Ryan is a Leader reporter and intermittent columnist who can be reached at www.newmedia-wi.com