How America would have lost World War II

The president’s daily press briefing on developments in World War II. June 7, 1944.

REPORTER: Mr. President, now that we’ve landed at Normandy, is there a timeline for how much longer this war will go on?

PRESIDENT TRUMP: It’s over. It’s over now. We just had the greatest invasion in history at Burgundy. Which, by the way, was my idea. So I think we can start winding down now. It’s over. We won.

REPORTER: But, Mr. President, the Germans still occupy France and are still bombing London. Don’t we need to continue fighting?

TRUMP: No. I think we made our point. We landed at Nuremberg. The troops are ready to come home and get back to work and get the economy moving again. We’ve got all our men overseas, so the women are going to work. You’ve got, what’s her name, Rosie O’Donnell the Riveter, and she’s posing with her sleeve rolled up and showing her muscle. Is that supposed to be sexy? Who would want have sex with someone like that? I don’t know, maybe she’s a lesbian. I don’t know her, but I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone like that.

REPORTER; Mr. President, now that we’ve taken Normandy, there are concerns that there could be shortages of supplies, particularly gasoline and ammunition?

TRUMP: We have the best supplies in the world. Nobody has supplies like we do, but it’s up to the governors to provide those supplies. We’re not a shipping clerk. That’s up to the states.

REPORTER: Sir, have you had any communications with Adolf Hitler about possible terms of surrender?

TRUMP: No, we haven’t talked in a long time. He sent me some very nice letters. Beautiful letters. He said some very nice things about me. Winston Churchill, he never sent me a beautiful letter like Hitler did, but then, Hitler turned out to be a very bad hombre. He invaded Poland and he stopped writing me letters.

REPORTER: Sir, is the United States going to require an unconditional surrender from Germany?

TRUMP: Yes. It’s going to be unconditional, but that doesn’t mean we won’t accept conditions. You know, this whole war thing could have been avoided. If people had listened to Neville Chamberlain, he came back with an agreement, peace in our time. And he got ridiculed for it by you people in the fake media. And nobody knew this was coming. Who knew there was a war going on in Europe? I didn’t know anything about it until they bombed Oyster Harbor.

REPORTER: Mr. President, here on the home front, the American people have made a lot of sacrifices for the good of the war effort. Gasoline, butter, sugar are all being rationed. So are automobiles, tires, fuel oil. Ration cards and stamps are required for meat, dairy, coffee. Polls show the majority of Americans are willing to make these sacrifices to help win the war. Some people are already calling this the Greatest Generation because of the sacrifices they’re willing to make for the good of the country. However, there is also a small minority of people who believe their civil liberties are being infringed upon, and you even have some county sheriffs saying they won’t enforce these rules. What is your view of this rationing?

TRUMP: Well, rationing is important. I like rationing, but I think a lot of the rationing goes too far.

REPORTER: But, sir, the rationing was implemented by your administration, and you just said you thought it was important.

TRUMP: I never said that. That’s fake news and you’re a fake reporter. Next question.

REPORTER: Mr. President, do you support the protesters who are protesting against rationing for the war effort?

TRUMP: Well, a lot of the protesters support me. They like Trump very much. So, they’re very fine people, and they want their civil liberties. They want to put butter on their toast. Why should anybody have to give up their butter? It’s unconstitutional to tell people, ‘Oh, you have to eat dry toast,’ just because there’s a war going on. The war is over now. We landed at Norway. We won, but the liberal media doesn’t want to report that. They keep saying, ‘We need to liberate Paris.’ We need to liberate the American people. We need to liberate America from all this rationing I put in place. Why should we care about Paris? Because they have the Eiffel Tower? I have buildings a lot bigger than that. No contest, and you can live in my buildings, and there’s office space. Who’s going to buy office space in the Eiffel Tower?

REPORTER: Mr. President, I’m with Armed Forces Radio. We hear a lot from you at these daily military briefings, but we don’t hear anything from the military. Why is that?

TRUMP: No one listens to the radio anymore. Except when I’m talking. That’s when your ratings go up. You wouldn’t have these ratings if it was just the generals coming up here and talking. I know a lot more than the generals, and they don’t have the ideas I have. I told them, what if our soldiers were to just lay down and play dead? Then the Germans would think they won and go home, or we could attack the Germans with disinfectant. Disinfectant kills germs and these are Germans. So why wouldn’t that work? I think we should explore that.

Tim Ryan is a Leader reporter and intermittent columnist. Readers can contact him at tryan@newmedia-wi.com.